vivavicky

A part of me wants to get a pet. A parrot would be nice, like the one I had when I was younger. I don't think I'm ready for a pet just yet though. My mom definitely doesn't want one in the house. Sigh! I'll just have to deal with talking to myself, I guess.

I took a break from journaling because Neil and I had the same shift at work and I had little to no privacy at home to update. So what's happened in the mean time? My deafness in my right ear is permanent. Neil and I have broken up. I've moved back to Florida. I'm currently looking for a job and I've decided to go to school for nursing.

Nursing seems like something I would not enjoy, but I would love having the job security and benefits. Also, it's not that much schooling I'd have to complete and I could get a nursing career anywhere.

I don't have much to write about despite the lapse in posts, but I think its safe to say I'll be writing again when the mood strikes.

I'm sure many of you have already heard about the mother in California having octuplets, but I can't stop bitching about it. It makes me so mad... like hulk mad.

First off, she had six kids before. Six. From two or three in vitro fertilizations. She's unemployed, lives with her parents, single... and then she goes and gets 6+ more embryos implanted? Knowing full well what could happen? Are you fucking kidding me?

So then she has these kids, and is upset that Pampers and Gerber and all these companies are not giving her free handouts. See, the difference between her and the Duggar family or Jon and Kate + 8, is that theirs were all natural.... and they were essentially making it on their own before television stepped in. You know the first thing I would do if I found out I was having 3 or more kids? Learn to sew, and start making a crap ton of cloth diapers.

On January 21st, I woke up and didn't really feel like going to work. I called out, and a few seconds later I was struck my a loud ringing in my right ear, shortly followed by vertigo, shortly followed by nausea, then vomiting. The next day the vertigo (and its related illnesses) went away. I told myself I wouldn't update until the ringing was completely gone, as it's fairly hard to concentrate while its there. It's still not gone yet. I mean, it's lessened from a 9 to about a 1, but it's still there. I also cant hear out of that ear just yet.

I can't imagine what it would be like completely losing one of my senses. Not being able to smell fresh cut grass or the air after a rain shower.. Not being able to hear your family or friends speak, not being able to hear music.. Not being able to taste, so many delicious things lost to just a memory.. No touches, darkness....

Life would be a lot different.

Anywho, I'm still excited about moving home. I've never been big on making plans, so it's nice to have something to look forward to. I'm contemplating buying a new digital camera. I just got my tax refund and I have more than enough to do so, with money left over to move with. I just want to find a good deal, and a good camera.

I feel unaccomplished. I feel like since graduating from high school I've not made any progression on my life. Yeah, I'm living on my own, but what do I have to show for it? I don't have a car. I have a job that pays $9.88/hr doing something that I hate. I live in a condo where the only things that I really own are my clothes, my computers, and my sewing machine. All my money has gone to bills and I've been stuck in my situation.

When I move home I'm going to finally work for me. I'm going to save money for the things that I feel I need in my life. I'm going to buy a car. I'm going to buy my own furniture. I'm going to educate myself and find a career rather than a job.

Living with Neil, I feel sometimes that I don't get to express myself as much as I'd like to. When I hemmed my pants with my sewing machine (the first thing I ever used my sewing machine for), he felt the need to suggest how he thought I could do it better. When I sing, he tries to tell me how I can improve. I don't want to improve. I don't need to win American Idol or Project Runway. I just want to be me, and do things my way and have things where I want them, how I want them. I want to have dishes that I'm not embarrassed to serve company on because they're ugly. I don't care that they were a gift, they're ugly and chipped.

Full of ideas, lacking commitment. I wanted to post in here everyday. I wanted my thoughts to be literary artwork. I wanted to share myself with you, but I'm not that interesting. I don't have much to write about other than the mundane day-to-day nonsense that I experience. Is that what you want to know? What you'd like to be a part of?

In the past week there have been major changes at my job. We had a woman in my department that was there for six years. She was about 40 years old and was one of those people who acted like she knew everything even though she knew nothing. She was nosy. She would dig through your call history and try to find things you did wrong so she could expose them to the boss. She was emotional, if you noticed something wrong with her performance and told her, she would get all offended and make a scene. She was judgmental, you couldn't say anything around her without tippy-toe-ing your way around it. Six years of this, and in those six years were raises and promotions. If she didn't have her way she would argue it, and win. Those six years finally came to an end. She was terminated. They found two seperate recordings in which she cursed on the phone. Proof that Mrs. Holier than thou isn't as perfect as she thought she was.

Since then, the atmosphere at work has improved 150%. She was so negative all the time and made everyone stressed to be there. I took over her shift at 6:00-2:30pm AZ time. I do enjoy my day better, but the other two people I work with don't exactly do their jobs right either. One likes to call out from work, while she's there she's great though. The other, doesn't call out from work but likes to milk his time just right so he does as little work as possible. Eventually if it continues, I know I'll end up getting angry with them.

Other than that, my life has basically been just lazing around. I've played quite a bit of WoW. Read a few books. Slept, ate. Eh.

Some people may think that Neil treats me bad based on how I write about him, but the truth is far from it. He may not be perfect, but I typically only write about him when I'm angry with him so you only see the bad. He cooks for me, he gives me things that I want that can't be bought with money, he loves me.

Just thought I'd clear that up.

I often find myself thinking about what I would do if I won the lottery. Would I donate it all to charity? Would I spend it all in a week? How much would I win? Thousands? Millions? Here are at least some of the things I would do with the money. I want to keep a list that way I remember everything when the time comes. Oh, optimism.

First things first, I would quit my job and move back to Florida. Then I separate it into categories:

Home:
A fairly big home in a nice neighborhood
Top of the line appliances (refrigerator, dishwasher, oven, microwave, stand mixer, laundry facilities, coffee maker, rice cooker, etc etc.)*
Desktop computer
Laptop computer
PS3, and games
Xbox 360, and games
Wii, and games
DVDs or Blurays (I would actually buy a collection, rather than download)
Bluray player
Big screen LCD tvs
Surround sound system
Beautiful furnishings for every room
Fully stocked bar
Wall-art
Digital Camera/camcorder
Home gym
iPod touch and sound dock
Lulu :)

Vehicles:
Car*
Pickup truck
Travel trailer
Tom-tom

Me:
New wardrobe
Jewelry
Manicures
Pedicures
Education
Cooking lessons
Dance lessons
Cruise/trips

Furthering my money:
Start a new business?
Stocks?
Bonds?

Family:
Help with bills
Money
Clothes

I didn't realize how difficult it would be to uphold my resolution to write everyday. Good thing the resolution is for 2009, so yesterday does not count as breaking it. I don't get a lot of privacy at home... and at work, even though my job is easy and I'd have the time to update, there is an internet block that prevents me from doing so.

Last night we ended up going to a friend's house around 6 for a party. Half the people invited ended up leaving in search for a better one. I kept looking down at my phone, waiting until 10pm so I could call my family and wish them a happy new year. It wasn't that the party was boring, I would have just rather been at home with family or sleeping. Getting drunk isn't that fun for me anymore. Maybe I grew up too fast. Then again, adults still drink. Maybe if there were a way to ingest alcohol without tasting it, I would enjoy it much more. I hate the smell, the taste, the burning on the way down... but man do I love the disorientation, the laughter, the falling. I didn't even get drunk last night.

Today has been fairly uneventful. I think mine and Neil's relationship is coming to a close fairly soon. I keep getting annoyed with him. I know the more I get annoyed with him, the more fed up he'll get, and the less likely our relationship will be to survive. He says that he didn't have money to buy me a Christmas gift, which I'm okay with, but then he'll go and hang out with his friends. When I ask him where the money will come from to shoot pool or to go to the shooting range or what not, he'll say its free, that someone else is paying for it... or that why does it matter when payday is coming up. Why does it matter? Well, when you have the money to spend on yourself... you sure as hell have the money to spend on someone you supposedly love. I guess it's not a concept the selfish really understand too well.

If our relationship doesn't end by fighting, it'll surely end by the claws of his mother. I simply do not like her. Not a bit. When I first came out here to visit in August of 2007, I ended up meeting her. She didn't even feign an interest in the girl that her son was bedding. All she cared about were things. It's no different today. The only time she calls him is when she wants to borrow money. Anytime she comes over, she roots though our belongings and asks to have things. I tell Neil how I feel, and he brushes it off. He invited her to live with us so that she can get away from her boyfriend. He said that it was possible she would stay for a few weeks. She hasn't moved in just yet, but I know that if and when she does, it'll be the end.

Another year, another journal. I'm the online journal vagrant. I scorn their usage as trendy and yet I'm back every year for a place to vent my thoughts and feelings. I always end up sharing the links with my friends or family. I always end up wanting to hide some of my true feelings for fear that people may misinterpret them. Maybe this journal should stay anonymous? It would be fairly difficult to do that, since my name is already partially in the title. It leads me to wonder if public image is really the reason I stop writing, or if it's private image.

Here's to my first vivavicky fingerprint. It's good to be back.

I'm 20 years old. I live 2,545 miles away from my family. I work at a call center. Does life get any better than this? I'd like to hope so. I suppose I shouldn't complain too much as I put myself in this situation. I moved across country for a man I met on the internet. While the relationship is  working out well, I want to move back as soon as possible. He wont go with me of course, making me feel like I wasted my time moving out here. We all want the fairytale ending. The happily ever after. The romance beyond romances. I question if it exists. I question if I will have to just... settle. I feel bad wording it that way, because I do care about him a lot. We have the same interests, hobbies, hell, we're almost the same person.

Sometimes I feel that people only like me for sex, or the possibility of sex. Sometimes I feel that what people tell me, they don't really mean. Is it a lack of confidence? A cynical feeling towards the morality of human beings? Sometimes I just want to run without running out of air or getting a sharp pain in my side. Sometimes I want to abandon all obligations and do what feels good rather than what's right.

The new year is tomorrow night. Have you started your list of resolutions yet?

New Years Resolutions
- Lose 30 lbs, get fit.
- Write a journal entry every day.
- Keep in touch with those I love.
- Express my feelings in a more productive way.
- Take the higher road.